The Original Octomom

Blog3-8-09

Octomom

Right now my partner and I have two kids, two of them and two of us. We’re bigger and smarter. We win. For now, that is, we win. We have a plan as they get bigger and smarter and can outrun us. On paper it looks a lot like a football play. Keep them going in different directions and we run up the middle… each with a ball. That’s right, we cheat. When it comes to kids, you do whatever it takes to stay one step ahead of them. Not easy with the Internet telling them how to build a bomb and informing them how to frame us in a court of law. 

I was one of six kids. We outnumbered my parents three to one. Let’s just say we all lived in fear. Us of them and in hindsight, I bet, them of us. At any given time my Dad could only be one of four places, home, work, helping a friend or the tavern. On Sunday add church and subtract work. My mother was never far either. She had three places, home, grocery store or at her sister’s beauty shop getting her hair done.  She was “Octomom” because she seemed to have six extra hands although she constantly reminded us, “I only have two hands.”

Now there’s a new Octomom on the block. And by the way Octomom was coined by a reporter for one of the tabloid papers. Brilliant, and this time they’re not making it up. Octomom is real. Octomom, already a mother of six, gets eight embryo’s implanted and gives birth to a litter or eight. When a human being has a litter it is always man made. Much like Lake Meade, the Hoover Dam and the Washington Monument. People will do anything to get into the Guinness World Book of Records but that is not Octomom’s goal. What then is it? What sane woman with six kids tries to have eight more? That’s an entire soccer team plus a bench warmer.

I’m a little jealous. I haven’t been able to get a pitch meeting with Mark Burnett. You know he’s going to call her personally? She could do a season of Survivor with just her and the kids. People are outraged. I’m not outraged, I’m curious. Remember the Hugh Grant debacle? The first thing Leno asked Hugh Grant was, “What were you thinking?” What would Leno ask Octomom? Even the Catholics are going “damn”.  If you think about it, she did use birth control. And, well, they did vote “Yes On 8”. Careful what you pray for.

This has been Margaret Smith from the bottom.