blogLayoffs2-11-09

Hi everyone, this is Margaret Smith from the bottom. It’s sunny and bright today at the bottom. It makes me sad to have to announce layoffs on such a nice day. But as the song says, “One man’s ceiling is another man’s floor.”

Here’s what I found out on the internet.  There are 255 democrats and 178 republicans in Congress.  I’m going to take the total 433 find 15% of that which is 29. That’s rounded off to the nearest Congressman. So we need to cut 29 Congressmen. I’ve divided that in half to give me 14 republicans and 14 democrats with one left over.  One of you just got very lucky. 

Now for the Senate. There are 100 Senators. 57 democrats, 41 republicans and 2 independents. I’m giving the democrats and republicans each an independent to make the count 58 dems. and 42 reps.  15% of 100 is 15, that’s 7 in each party that we have to lay off, and one lucky Senator gets a free pass.  Nothing personal folks. It’s just until we can get the economy back on track here at the bottom.  It could be worse. The citizens of the US could decide to outsource congress. I hope we never have to do that.

So here goes. And remember this is going to hurt the bottom more than it’s going to hurt Washington. If you see your name, pack up your desk and go home. I hope you didn’t buy one of those bad mortgages.

 Senate Democrats
Ron Wyden/OR
 Sheldon Whitehouse/RI
Jim Webb/VA
Mark Warner/VA
Tom Udall/NM
Mark Udall/Co
John Tester/MT

Senate Republicans
Roger Wicker/MS
George Voinovich/OH
David Vitter/LA
John Thune/SD
Arlen Specter/PA
Olympia Snowe/ME
Richard Shelby/AL

Congressional Democrats
Steve Kagen/Wisconsin
Nick Rahall II/WV
Adam Smith/WA
John MsDermott//WA
Jay WinInslee/WA
Gerald Connolly/Va
Thomas Perriello/Va
Robert Scott/Va

Congressional Republicans
Thomas Petri/Wisconsin
Shelley Moore Capito/WV
David Reichaert/WA
Cathy Rodgers/WA
Frank Wolf/VA
James Moran/VA
J. Randy Forbes/VA
Robert J. Wittman/VA

This has been Margaret Smith reporting from the bottom

FROM THE BOTTOM OF THE PORK BARREL AND MY HEART

Hi Everyone, It’s Margaret Smith weighing in from the bottom.

President Obama gave his first speech to the nation Monday. He’s been up since the Inaugural Ball gathering information from the experts. He was so tired he was starting to slur near the end of the address. He does have some long answers. It reminded me of when I used to fake oral exams.  I did all my homework, but what stuck in my brain usually wasn’t on the test, so I just talked till the teacher said, “Very well then,” and I’d sit down. Usually on a tack but I’m more popular now. Take it from someone that comes from a family with a history of killing the messenger. It’s wrong, so let’s not attack Obama. He’s just the messenger.

Last night after his lecture ended, I asked my neighbor, who was nice enough to let me come over to watch her television (I have one, I just don’t have cable) if she felt better after hearing him. She said, “No.” I told her I didn’t either. And we’re not alone.

Friends have been calling me all day asking, “Do you think it’s really as bad as everyone’s saying it is?” I asked them all, “How bad are they saying it is?” The answer—“Bad,” “Real Bad,” and “Worse than Bad.” Here it is in a nutshell. They think the recession is a snowball that’s rolling downhill on it’s way into a depression. Reminds me of something else that rolls downhill.

The phone has stopped ringing for now. My network of friends are probably having lunch, hopefully they’re eating more than the nails they’ve been biting since the President’s lecture to the nation. They’re worried that they’re next. I don’t have to tell you what “next” means.  But I will. It’s the next layoffs, the next cut, the next to go.

There’s something we know here on the bottom. We can see Washington but Washington can’t see us.  First of all their numbers are wrong. Unemployment is twice what they say it is.  Half of the people not working can’t get unemployment. They’re self-employed like me.  They pay into it and aren’t entitled to collect it if they didn’t work for someone else at least one day of the year. Which why would they, they’re self-employed. 

I could scream from the bottom, “It’s not 10% of us, it’s 20% of us that are unemployed.” As the word made it’s way to Washington it would get better and better until it was only 10%.  Washington won’t let it get stinky on Capitol Hill.  Stink is for the bottom dwellers.

Here’s my proposal. And I say this because I spend a lot of my time at the bottom and I want Washington to be more understanding of things down here. We pay them. We’re having money problems and need to cut back. We are going to have to lay some of them off, 20% to be exact. If things get worse we’ll have to make more cuts. Sorry, it’s about the bottom line, nothing personal. Tomorrow I’ll post a list of the Senators and Congressmen, that much to our regret, we have to lay off.

Until tomorrow, be grateful for your family and your neighbors, they’re all you’ve got.

1-25-08 blog

Who Is Ron Paul?

One thing’s for certain. He’s not a waffler.  I went to his website. He sounds extremely sane. They all do on their own websites. He’s for the constitution. So am I. He thinks that the Federal government does more damage than good. So do I. He doesn’t want to tax tips. Neither do I. Whether you wait tables or do a good dollar dance you should get to keep it all for yourself. 

Ron Paul wants to give tax credits of 5000 dollars for each kid you send to school, whether it’s private or state run. I like it. I’m immediately 10,000 dollars richer. Maybe parents would fight harder to keep their kids in school if they got a bounty for it.

Ron Paul wants to give all teachers a 3000 dollar tax break so we can keep the good ones when we get them. I’d give them more but I like it. Get rid of imminent domain. I concur.  I especially like saying Ron Paul.

I like more about Ron Paul than I dislike about him. He’s simple. He’s neopolitan ice cream, not 31 flavors.

I dislike his opposition of safe abortion. No one is really for abortion; they’re just against unsafe abortion. And I dislike his guns-for-everyone spirit because not everyone is as sane as Ron Paul is.  I dislike that he’s from Texas. It’ll be a cold day in hell before we elect another Texan. There may have been one exception had she lived and that’s Ann Richards. She was a rose amongst thorns, politically speaking.

Most of all I don’t like that Ron Paul hasn’t changed his mind about anything since we discovered that the world is not flat. We all know it’s not cool to waffle. But is it cool to be closed to change because it might be construed as waffling?

1-24-08 blog 

Winning South Carolina

Is it a good thing to win South Carolina? I’m not sure. I played there once. I did stand-up comedy for 20 years and I played there once. I wanted to play the south more but my management would tell me, “I don’t think they’ll ‘get you’ there.” 

The candidates are talking about the economy and jobs. I wasn’t talking about jobs when I was there, which may have hurt me. I talked about family (I was against them at the time) and love. I was for it but not good at it. The guy that opened for me, on the other hand, talked about jobs and they responded well to him, but those were blowjobs.

This is all I’ll tell you about my gig in South Carolina. I was sitting off to the side on a bench watching folks (that’s what they call each other there) file into the club when a guy in a group of four stopped the asked  who was headlining. The club employee said, “Margaret Smith. “ Then the guy turned to his friends and said, “sorry man. I didn’t know it was gonna be a broad.”  

Here’s a question to go home with. If Hillary listens to South Carolina will she find her voice there too? I don’t think so.

1-22-08    Blog

Reactions to our lousy economy and my reactions to the reactions.

 -The economy is now the number one concern on voter’s minds.
*You know it’s bad when it pushes terrorism down the charts.
-The Fed lowered interest rates three quarters of a point.
*Now all you have to do is lower MY house payment.
-Fred Thompson dropped out of the presidential race.
*There were rumors that he ran out of gas money. (I started the rumor)
-CNN came up with a new segment called “Financial security watch”.
*You’re embarrassing the weathermen of the world.
-My broker emailed her clients a don’t panic message.
*I’m questioning why I gave money to someone who’s business card says “broker.”
-My son’s fever of four days broke.
*He reminds me to be grateful.
-My dog Jack Valentine stayed in bed all day.
*He must read the paper before he brings it to me.
-The writers strike continued.
*This too shall pass.
-Barack Obama went over his minutes complaining about the Clintons.
*Stop complaining and learn from them.
-Bush wants to give us all eight hundred dollars.
*I’ll take the eight hundred and give you twenty to blackout a front tooth and give me a big smile.

Blog1-8-08

More Chicken Soup for Hillary’s Soul

I’m not on the bus or the plane with Hillary but if I were, I believe I could do a better job than whoever has her ear now. Whoever you are, quit giving her new ways to say the same thing. The results are the same. It’s better to listen to me, one of many, than the one on the bus with you.

Here’s your Chicken Soup for today Hillary. Your new message for America: What was is gone. The budget surplus, peace, friendships with other nations, our image; the gentle giant we once were, is now the town bully. There is no going back. The good old days are ahead of us. On January 20th 2009 a new President will move into the White House, one who will be expected to move this country not just forward but in a new direction. I’d like to take you there.

It feels like we’ve been walking through a dark tunnel together for eight years. But there is a light at the end of that tunnel. I’ve never lost sight of that light. I’ve learned some lessons along the way but my light has never been obscured. I’m not here to recycle old ideas. I’m here to take us in a new direction. And here’s what that means. We must reinvent this great Nation of ours. It is time. What better time to reinvent than when something is torn down? Our middle class is torn down, and you are the morale of this country, so when you’re torn down, our morale is torn down. And if we don’t build a New America right now, our children’s futures will be torn down. We must move now. I have a vision for a New America. (List TBD)

I invite our viewers to make a list for A New America. They will all be posted. Have fun citizens.

Still,
Margaret Smith

Blog 1-4-08

Iowhat The Hell Happened?

I THOUGHT Hillary would win in Iowa. She has international experience, she’s a lady and a lady knows when to leave Iraq. She can balance a budget, she’s good in a crisis, a survivor, she can take our country in a direction that will mend our relationship with our enemies which at this point is the rest of the world and she can strike a balance with Mother Nature. I mean, she’s a Mother too, right? Not according to Iowans.

Maybe in Iowa the question was, can we go back? There’s something that feels familial about Hillary. Maybe voting for her felt like going home to the Iowans. Author Thomas Wolf said you can never go home. He’s huge in Iowa. Is he from Iowa?

It’s easier being Obama than it is being Hillary. Obama’s the new kid on the block. New ideas, new hope, new shoes. Am I the only one that noticed his shoes? He says he can heal the red/blue divide in America and bring together blacks and whites, and bridges the gap between young and old. Move over Penn and Teller, Obama’s in town.

It’s hard being Hillary. She’s been around the political block and hasn’t been out of public service long enough to dye her hair brown. We all have a head full of Hillary and only an eye full of Obama.

Here’s my chicken soup for Hillary’s soul: (I’ve quoted Thomas Wolf and now I’m going to quote Cindy Lauper) “Girls just wanna have fun.” Hillary, have fun. You didn’t come this far and work this hard to not have fun. Everything you do from now on should be fun or don’t do it.

Have fun with the guys. They’re funny if you really look at them and listen. Giuliani looks and acts like Colonel Klink on Hogan’s Heroes. Next time you debate a Republican say, “Hey, is that a rosary in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?” If debates aren’t fun don’t go. I could go on. The next time someone mentions a flat tax, say, “I’ve got a flatter tax plan. It’s the concave tax plan. If you’re a con or live in a cave you pay taxes. Everyone else is free. And so is my chicken soup for your soul, Hillary. I’d offer to write for you but I’m on strike. I wonder if speechwriters are in the guild?

Blog 1-1-08

I thought I would wake up today with a bright outlook for 2008 and a plan. I have neither. I don’t know what I expected to change as I slept, but the only thing that was different when I awoke this morning was the back of my hair. It had a horizontal part. This tells me I slid off the pillow, or was dragged by the ankles, in my sleep.

I started my new year doing two things I rarely do. I woke up before dawn and I went to a parade. If you can’t picture me at a parade you are right. I’d say the chances of me going to a parade are about the same as me opening a bridal shop. I did it for one reason, because I love my kids. I took them to the Rose Parade in Pasadena.

I’m very proud of myself for braving parade traffic. I don’t do traffic. I’ve been known to head out on a vacation and turn back if there’s traffic. “Mommy’s going home kids. There’re too many cars.” I also got up before dawn. And getting up before dawn isn’t natural. Call me green but my body doesn’t work in the dark. I’m solar powered. I don’t get up until the sun does. There is one exception: Earthquakes.

I’m more of a marcher than a parade goer or a paradee or a parader. I can march for a cause I believe in but I’m not much for floats. I like root beer floats but to be on a float isn’t a good feeling. I know. I was once afloat on a float. It was a homecoming float. I had to wave and the whole bit. And to think it all started out as a sympathy date.

When I was in high school I went to Bob LaFranchise’s homecoming dance with him because no one else would go. He was good looking but his personality canceled out the looks and he was a dork. He went to an all boy school and some time during a promenade we got picked to be king and queen because we were voted “best looking couple”. I gave him the dirtiest look I could muster and still look good in the picture of course. It was a hideous experience that I thought I was over until today.

Anyway, I survived that parade and the parade today. My kids had a good time. There were a few protesters there. One had a sign that read, “We’re making enemies faster than we can kill them.” Later in the day I heard about more middle-east casualties on the radio and thought, it’s just like last year. I’m not depressed about it. I just want to feel like I’m in a new year. Maybe if I make a new year’s resolution it’ll get things started for me. This year I’m gonna pay more attention to the back of my hair.

12-18-07blog

Keeping My Eyes on the Prize.

Mitt Romney seems to be the frontrunner in the race for the republican presidential nomination. He seems to have the necessary gifts that a republican candidate should have to win the nomination. He’s rich and righteous. The media drums say he’s made a lot of rich people richer, made a lot of poor people poorer, and in the process, made some money for his family and church. 10% goes to the Mormon Church. It’s part of what it takes to be a Mormon.

People in the press and elsewhere seem very concerned about what church he goes to. He doesn’t just go to church like the average person goes to church. He was the Bishop of his church in the mid 1980”s. Although Mitt and I couldn’t be more different (I didn’t spend the 80”s in church and I’ve never been a Bishop) I don’t know why we have to pick his Religious practices apart. What are we afraid of? I mean besides the fact that he makes a lot of us look bad for only giving 0% to our religious affiliations.

We’re not supposed to consider religion when we’re in the voter’s booth. That’s like asking us not to consider our hair when we’re in a photo booth. Not gonna happen. We might stick out our tongues but we checked our hair before we put our money in.

Is it that we have to consider religion because what if they, they meaning Mitt Romney, creates Mormon policy if he becomes our next president? What’s the fear? Is it, if he becomes President we might all have to give 10% to the Mormon Church? Mitt’s religious practices don’t scare me. Bush didn’t let his Christian beliefs stop him from giving the order to kill hundreds of thousands of innocent men, women and children.

Religion is not the issue; it’s the distraction. I’m not taking my eyes off the real issues for my next president. Is she/he intelligent? I never want to feel smarter than the president again. My next president must have the intelligence to negotiate. And does his/her moral beliefs resonate with me? For instance, is his/her ego capable of humility? I don’t want a president that can’t admit they’re wrong when lives are being lost.

Still,
Margaret

12-17-07 blog

“IF YOU GIVE A MOUSE A COOKIE”

“If You Give A Mouse A Cookie” is a book I highly recommend this holiday season. Give it to a kid or an adult. I thought of it today when I read the story about a woman in Saudi Arabia that was raped by a group of Saudi men and then sentenced to 90 lashes for getting herself raped. Apparently she dishonored her family and now husband because she went out unaccompanied. When she appealed the sentence the court upped her punishment to 200 lashes.

My first thoughts were: do we live on the same planet? How far is Saudi Arabia from here? Why doesn’t she move somewhere more civilized? I could pick her up from the airport.

Did you know that Saudi women are not allowed to drive? In the U. S. I believe only a couple of D.U.I.’s can get a woman that kind of consequence. Saudi women don’t have the right to vote either. I believe only a felony conviction or a capital crime can bring a woman down like that.

It’s no wonder they can’t vote. If they could, I’m sure the first thing they’d vote for is the right to drive. Then they would have to unveil their faces so all of their drivers licenses wouldn’t look the same. And if their faces were unveiled they could express themselves with a smile or a frown or a word and we would know how they feel.

So you see, if you give a Saudi woman the right to vote she’s going to want a license. If you give her a license she’s going to want a car. And if you give a Saudi woman a car she’s going to want to get out of Saudi Arabia. You go girls!

Still,
Margaret